COWHC Ladies 2s vs Oxted Ladies 3s - 18th March 2017

Pre-match preparation started early this week with a 7pm meet on Friday night at el Capitano's house. Curry was ordered, wine was poured and we put pretty stuff on our nails. Once we'd tired of the girlie shit Cards Against Humanity were dealt out. Key learnings were that Madeleine McCann will ALWAYS trump all other cards but smegma will get the most giggles. Also squid rings should never be ordered from your local curry house. At some point in the evening positions were scribbled down on a piece of paper and handed to injured coaches Broni, whose leg was fine all week whilst skiing, & Netty whose injury is the result of 'dancing excessively'. Strictly has a lot to answer for. 13 solid players, what could possibly go wrong? Pav, now back from wherever she's been hiding all season would be the perfect sub for defenders Vicky Fullerton-Whatever and Helen Rowe-Whatever who are both suffering from bad backs no doubt caused by the burden of carrying ridiculously long surnames. We sprung out of bed bright and early on Saturday morning, bacon was cooked (Vegan Princess has put us all off eggs) and coffee poured down our throats, a few hundred whatsapp messages exchanged and el Cap's cheese drawer raided. It soon became clear who would be getting the DoD award when a message came in from our Vegan Princess to say she wouldn't make the game as she had spent the night in a police cell following a slight disagreement with a bouncer in Central London (trust me they never end well) and being chased by police around Leicester Square. A panicked phone call was immediately made to the only sensible person we know (Mrs B) who kindly agreed to step in as a law-abiding, last-minute replacement.

We arrived in Oxted and walked onto the pitch to be greeted by a 'Great Tasting Sausages' banner, this proved to be quite distracting for much of the game. Billing-ton refused to use the 'dugout' as it looked like a bus shelter so she was convinced people had been having sex in them (this is Oxted, Surrey darling not the Wirral.) A packet of Seriously Strong Cheese Squares soon shut her up (other processed cheese brands are available). So anyway, the match. The oppo scored 4 goals, mostly by their very talented number 14 with help from an annoyingly young, attractive, leggy, blonde (sorry guys we only took photos of the sausage banner), and we scored 1 from a perfectly executed short corner, a well-timed slip by Kirsty to Pav who swept the ball into the goal. The oppo decided Pav needed to be taken down but despite smashing a ball into her heel and another one in her shoulder they failed to sideline her. There was some great passing and team play and everyone ran their cow-print socks off. We tried everything to get the ball into their goal, up the left, up the right, down the middle, frustrated by yet another near-miss Poppy Rosen-Nash finally decided to try something more unconventional and sprinted up the pitch and threw herself into a roly-poly in the D. Sadly the only reward for her heroic effort was a skanky graze in time for her sunny holiday next week. Exhausted, we ended the game 4-1 down though with many near misses which we hope to convert into goals next week. We crawled off the pitch excited about the prospect of teas only to discover that the sandwiches were.......EGG (V-P you are in some much trouble this week) and not a morsel of cheese in sight :-(

Thanks to Umpire Martin and congrats to POM Kirsty. DoD Vegan Princess....