COWHC Ladies 1s vs Camberley and Farnborough Ladies 1s - 23rd Sept 2017

A long time ago at a hockey club far far away…

Episode I

THE RETURN OF THE COWS

Coaches Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi have assembled an army of COWs ready to take the galaxy by storm. For weeks these Jedi Padawans have been learning the ways of the force, harnessing it’s power in preparation to overcome their enemies on the planet of Surrey Div 3. Now the time has come for this hockey-sabre wielding unit to face their first opponent - the Order of Camberley and Farnborough, lead by intergalactic crime lord turned hockey umpire Jabba the Hutt.

With Yoda called away on business with the Jedi High Council, Obi-wan steps up to lead the COWS in combat. Pre-battle preparations consist of stretching on a waterlogged rugby pitch, passing on concrete, and an impromptu shower for Hannah as the lid of her bottle falls off mid-drink much to the amusement of those around her. Despite these less than ideal preparations, Obi-wan manages to regain the focus of the COWS with some inspirational words of wisdom from the absent Yoda. “Do or do not. There is no try.”

Just before the battle commences Jabba and fellow umpire Jay warn that rule-breaking will result in cards. Murmurs of “I have a bad feeling about this” can be heard throughout the COW contingent.

Jabba signals the start of the battle which gets off to a slow start. Both sides move with the speed of a space slug and have the shooting accuracy of a Stormtrooper. It remains an even contest for the majority of the first half until Rachel, accused of not retreating 5, feels the lure of the dark side. An exchange of words with Jabba, unsurprisingly results in a green card and 2 minutes locked in Jabba’s Palace. Almost instantly Camberley take advantage of their extra-man advantage. A successful attack on the stroke of half-time means they enter the break with a 1-0 advantage.

The COWs regroup, in desperate need of some rousing words from their Jedi Knight. He tells them there are 3 simple things they must remember if they are to overturn the 1-0 deficit:

1. Keep the ball in attack

2. Clear the ball in defence

3. Play second half hockey

With Obi-wan’s words fresh in their minds, the COWs start the second half with a new hope. The midfield are dominant, weaving through players like an X-wing negotiating an asteroid field. The defence remain solid, impenetrable like the deflector shield surrounding the Millennium Falcon. And the attack begin to look less Stormtrooper and more Han Solo. This improved performance is rewarded when Rachel pounces on a loose ball in the D following a COW short corner.

With the score level, the COWs win another short and execute it perfectly. Injector to top-D, to right slip, to Lizzy on the P-spot who makes no mistake with the finish. The COWs are flying, but out of nowhere the dark side takes another victim when LBell puts in a tackle before retreating 5. Jabba issues the card and another 2 minutes off the pitch.

The last goal of the game comes when Hannah finds herself alone in the D with only a defender and the keeper to beat. Instead of taking the simple route, she uses the force to ricochet the ball off the abdomen of the defender and into the goal. Cue celebrations, jumping photos with Lizzy’s hair glued to Alex’s arm, and ‘win in white’ hashtags. A victory for this band of Jedi during their first league outing. May the force be with us for the remainder of the season.

Final Score 3-1 to COWHC

Team: Alex, Bryony, Emer, Hannah, Santy, Dicko, Lena, Lisa, Lizzy, Lydia, Nicky, Rachel, Mrs B
PoM votes: Emer and Lizzy 1, Alex, Rachel and Hannah 1.5, Bryony and Lydia 2, Lena 4