COWHC Men's 2s vs Woking 3s - 01st Dec 2018

A gloomy and wet afternoon saw the in-form second team travel to Northwest Surrey for a highly anticipated fixture
against remote rivals Woking. A town famous for the first planned invasion of earth, in the 1897 science fiction novel The
War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells.

I arrived to see a condom with the tip cut off in front of our dug out next to ashtrays, cleaning products, boxing gloves and
pictures of blow up sex dolls. The ceremonial gift giving session had already taken place so the plant I brought would
have to remain in my stick bag. Ash looked delighted with his gifts. The condom was unused and out of date; it was very
generous of Kailash to donate it, he always puts the team first.

I get my stick out of my bag, remove some leaves from the chamois and congregate next to the crowd. Lizzie looked
enthralled to be watching the second team play on the far pitch in the middle of a huge field in the freezing cold. It was
very kind of the team to put all their stick bags on the bench allowing her to be as close to the action as possible, and
forcing her to stand for an hour and a half.

I look up to see our youngest forward wearing a scarf and talking to the experienced Woking sweeper. Probably
describing the goal he scored for Purley Vets last week on the grass. Or the 14 pints of Fosters, 2 Jäger-bombs, 4
Sambucas and shot of Tequila he had consumed the night before. 5 minutes into the game and he was gasping for breath
and struggling to move, using his stick as a walking aid. I did the honourable thing and substituted him as soon as
possible. The ball was zipping across the turf and we were in complete control.

Goal to Woking, a small child gathered the ball from the right wing and glided past 9 players, walked into the D and
smashed it home. Terry made the first of his 142 touches and collected the ball from the back of his net. The team reacted
well, Steelers and Cocksy martialled the troops from the back, Neil was firing hitting pushing the ball (mostly) up the line
and the press had Woking’s defence in all sorts of trouble. A short corner was won and someone smashed it in on the
reverse, I can’t remember who it was but it looked like a back stick.

We continued to dominate the remainders of the half, our youthful and agile forwards (Kai) were too much for the
Woking back line who resorted to playing the transfer from the baseline. Kailash linked up well with Joe for the second
goal, a one-two around the last man and Joe had the goal within his sights, he flicked the ball hard and low into the corner
much to the delight of the crowd he tried to roof it but failed miserably and the ball rolled through the keepers legs, it
didn’t hit the back board. Lizzie clapped, Jack called him a c@!$.

Woking grabbed another goal to make it interesting, this one looked like Terry’s fault from where I was standing but the
light had faded and Woking’s energy saving floodlights had made it incredibly difficult to see. This was the only
explanation for my Lukaku first touch. Before the end of the half Charlie decided that Woking’s captain had played enough
hockey for the day and uppercut / headbutted / round-housed him. He fell like Amir Khan after 30 seconds with Breidis
Prescott. There were calls for green triangles and yellow rectangles from the Woking ultras but the umpire let the game
progress and explained that Charlie’s eyes were on the ball the entire time, except just before, during and after he
smashed the guy in the face.

The half time team talk was positive and Raj explained that second half fitness would be crucial for us to gain the victory.
Joe put down his can of Strongbow dark fruits, held onto the post for stability and nodded.

Early into the second half we had the lead, Ash smashed one in from the top of the D and the Woking player slotted it
home from the right hand post, it was a fine finish, goal of the month so far. 3-2.

After this we had multiple chances to put the game to bed, there were whispers from the side-line that Jay Patel had
scored a hat trick in the third team and the forwards looked visibly nervous that their places were in jeopardy. Hyatt had
the pick of the chances, on the end of another gift from Kailash he beat the last defender, and shaking like a leaf from the
thought of starting upfront with Indy next week, he chipped it over the keeper and into the back of the net. 4-2 what a
goal! Well that’s his place secured for another week I thought to myself as I demolished Neil’s Lucozade on the bench. The
umpire raised her hands and then signalled a cricket wide. Oh it’s a goal kick or whatever you call it, he’s put it in the unused goal on the side of the pitch. Really living up to his £6.6m fantasy value there. D*** of the day was secured and now all we needed was to survive the last 10 minutes without conceding.

To be fair to Woking they deserved the goal they eventually found, they had multiple short corners, and were flooding the D. But the make shift D-Unit stood strong, until finally, with 5 minutes to go Woking scored. It was hard to see what happened with this goal, I was playing spider solitaire in the dugout but presumably it went through Terry’s legs. I finished my game and returned to the pitch, not my best score but it’s hard to play when its pitch black and you can’t feel your fingers.

The final whistle came and we had drawn 3-3 with the team above. Disappointing considering how well we defended, but a fair result in the end. My team mates celebrated like they had won the world cup. Idiots.

We retired to the bar for the world’s spiciest chilli con carne, it wasn’t the best I’ve ever eaten but it looked like a work of art compared to Raj’s vegetarian option.
Oh, we won!
Result: 3:2

POM: Terry
DOD: Joe