COWHC Men's 2s vs Kenley Men's 2s - 17th Feb 2018

I’ve been lucky to enough in my time to play in behind some great tush, but this week made me realise the quality of hide we have at COWHC. Apparently, there was a game of hockey on Saturday 17th February but I couldn’t possibly comment fairly. Staring at those juicy peaches of Sam and Steve, I really can’t recall much of the ‘match’ but here goes…

Jay started proceedings with his customary trademark catchphrases: “XX cup finals”, “They are arriving in dribs and drabs”. After I put my kit on, I got a few good kicks in to get used to the speed of the surface and get my eye in for this cup final Jay talked about. Then the rest of the boys joined in with their shooting drills. Now I don’t mean to sound like a dick but I could tell that the oppo weren’t going to score today. I was on fire. I literally saved everything. I brought my A-game… As it turns out, I could have brought my Z game, the Sunday Times crossword and a flask of tea, played up front and they still would have had a miserable afternoon. My involvement in the game ends here. I will now do my best to comment on what happened in the game from my vantage point in the opposite D.

We were in control from the first whistle with some neat interplay between Griff and Raj on the right after he asked Jaideep to politely bugger off the other side of the pitch. I think it was Jay who scored the first goal, or it could have been Kai or Indy. Like I said, it’s hard to tell from where I was standing. Jay ran away celebrating as if he has scored but as history has told us, this does not necessarily mean he got the final touch. Soon after the restart, Indy (I think) got on the score sheet after some decent one-two passing around the top of the D. In fact, if the ball was passed, it was unlikely to be Indy. My vantage point was pretty poor but I’ll credit him with this one.

It was clear to see that by this point, Kenley heads had started to drop as they struggled to retain possession with an under-strengthened team. They did have a decent spell in the first half in front of our D but I was again too mesmerised by Sam’s bottom to notice what was going on. Normal service was resumed quickly after with a tidy finish from Ollie to make it 3-0. Almost immediately after, Dawesy made a mazing run from half way towards the opposition D and while arcing around the D, was tackled by Ollie. Ollie obviously still fancies himself for top goal scorer but this action amazingly wasn’t enough to win DOD. By this point, I had finished both Sudoku puzzles and was well into the Crossword. What was I going to do for entertainment? “At least its comedy night tonight” I chuckled to myself. As I struggled for the answer to 7 down “Thor, God of _______”(7), I looked up to see Jaideep smash a thunderbolt into the roof of the net past a defender’s shoulder on the line. “YES!” I yelled as he ran back to the halfway line. I had the answer to 7 down “THUNDER” as well as the second letter to help me complete 12 across. “A type of pie, best served in a derby”.

They say lightning never strikes twice in the same place, but can there really be thunder without lightning? Anyway, Jaideep hit a second one, sweet as a nut from virtually the same place into virtually the same inch of the net. The defender on the line should really buy a scratch card on the way home as he’s lucky to be alive. With two loud peeps, the umpire blew the whistle for half time. I duly grabbed my gear, short corner masks and supplies and

trudged to the opposite end of the field. At half time, Jay’s message was simple. Win the match and don’t do anything stupid. He reminded us that there were plenty of goals to be had (Obviously, we have already scored five) and called for a ruthless and clinical attitude in front of goal.

As the second half started, I quickly finished the crossword I had been working on and really needed a wee after my flask of tea. I decided I would have to get more involved in the game. Suddenly, more and more loose balls kept running through harmlessly off the Croydon baseline. A lesser man may have simply left these to run off for 16 yard hits but I was bored and decided to put the hard work I spent on kicks in the warmup into practice. I started kicking everything. I don’t think Neil or Raj were too pleased but it was funny watching them chase after my kicks and this gave me some amusement. Comedy night starting early.

The goals didn’t stop in the second half and it seemed everyone wanted to get involved in the action with Dawesy popping up with a goal among more tidy finishes from Jay, Indy, and Kai. I have already mentioned one DOD moment, perhaps the funniest moment of the day was Sam’s jinking, wibbly, wobbly run from the back to find himself within striking distance in the D. Cries of “finish them” can be heard from the sidelines. Everyone holds their breath and the game slows down to Matrix like speed as Sam has never scored a competitive goal from Croydon. This was about to be the perfect Carlsberg Saturday. Here we go…. big wind-up, bending of the knee…. Whoosh… he missed it. Not the target, the entire ball. I felt sorry for him as the supporters on the sideline jeered him. He looked very upset. I wanted to hug him and tickle his bum but I must stay in my D.

In the remaining few moments, every outfield player wanted to get involved, we win a short corner. Enter Sam Thompson. He has been practising his drag flicking for the last few weeks. The time is now. The injection comes out – it’s average. The stop is decent, he sorts his feet out beautifully and catches it neatly in the hook as he slings it high. I have a great view from the opposite D and it is going MILES wide. Thankfully his blushes are saved after he hits a defending player in the back and the umpire blows for full time.

Final score 12-0. The goal difference question has been answered and a marker has been set for the remaining opponents that we mean business.

DOD: Me. For “Not being involved enough in the match”

MOM: Jaideep for two excellent goals and bullying their midfield

Rear of the day: Sam Thompson