COWHC Men's 2s vs Cheam Men's 2s - 10th Feb 2018

Characters:
• Jay – Duke of Croydonia
• Dawesy – Queen of the Tantrums
• Raj – cousin of Indy
• Indy – cousin of Raj, in love with Tinder dates
• Stevo - in love with Tomo
• Tomo – in love with hockey
• Ash – last few days of bachelorhood
• Kai - Master of the tap-ins
• Ollie Houghton – King of the Fairies
• Joe Hyatt – Queen of the Fairies
• Jaideep – Common-kissing hedge-pig of tournament (P.o.M)
• Griff – in love with running
• Ollie Morris – in love with wearing fake eyelashes
• Neil – Jester of Croydonia
• Jono – Guardian of net
• Adam DP – an umpire
• Opposition No four-and-twenty – a p**** (a poor player that strutted and fretted an hour and ten mins upon the pitch, and then is heard no more)
• All over opposition – fairy servants to No four-and-twenty

Prologue
An absolute runneth of form hath seen Indy recalled into the dukedom of Jay. Indy hath rewarded himself with a Tinder date in the hope of taking the fancy of a fair maiden and retiring to the bedroom. Jay’s platoon of men hath arrived at the wetlands, known as Cheam, with one notable exception, Joe Hyatt the Queen of Fairies. The fairy servants and Oppo no four-and-twenty art nowhere to beest seen.

Act 1.
Scene 1.
Croydonia circle around the Duke to discuss team tatics
Raj: I heareth the annual Dawes fayre is going to beest big.
Neil: (excit'd) I has't cancelled on mine friend’s birthday to attend the first ever Dawes fayre
Dawesy: Ash, art thee excit'd about thy wedding?
Ash: Mine fiancé hath toldeth me I am not allowed to receive hitteth before mine wedding. So I wilt beest protecting mine testicles throughout the match
Gesturing to covereth his b******* with his handeth
Jay: Six cuppeth finals gentlemen, focus and then we can celebrate. Hither is the starting line up: in goal - Jono, defence - Tomo....
Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war! With hockey sticks aloft! We enter the field of battle
All cast taketh position on the field. Jay, Ollie Morris and Griff exit to the hath left

Scene 2.
Kai, Dawesy, Ollie and Raj art passing the ball around prior to pushback
Jay: Gentlemen putteth the ball back we art about to beginneth
K, D, O & R: Twas Indy’s fault! All point at Indy
Match beginneth, Oppo no four-and-twenty starts causing havoc amongst Jay’s men ere a deserving goal going around Jono and knapping the ball into the bottom corner
Dawesy: (In an unreasonably fell tone) Stephen, thou must mark a fairy servant. I doth not hath the expedience to balk this prick named Oppo No four-and-twenty.
Stevo: (Confused, much like an innocent schoolchild being wrongly disciplined) Request holp from the Duke, the Master of Tap-ins or Raj’s cousin!
Dawesy: I would rather thee holp o’er-rauhot the opposition.
After push back, Dawesy proceeds to maketh poor tackles and passeth the ball into the oncoming path of the fairy servant twice
Dawesy: (In snuffs) Alas, the horror! I has't had a start to the game lacking valour! Jaideep, taketh mine position in the tournament. I needeth a rest. Storm off to hath left, throwing stick in snuffs and kicketh the dugout

A small square for the ball near the oppositions goal result in the ball trickling ov'r the line. The Duke (Jay) lays claim to the goal, even though we all knoweth twas not that gent. Nev'r less the duke still celebrates as if 't be true he hath wonneth the world cuppeth.
Jay: (Elated) Huzzah! I am the best! Thee peasants shalt bow down to mine power.
Indy Chatwal, flush from his night of chocolate making, gathers the ball at the top of the circle, turns and scuffs the shot. ‘T somehow ends up at Ash. Clutching onto his last few days of freedom, that gent hitteth a superb reverse-hitteth shot passeth the keeper into the net.
Griff: A hit! A very palpable hit!

Adam DP: (Blow whistle) Tis the end of the first half gentlemen. The second half of the tournament is about to beginneth.

Act 2.
Scene 1.
Jono: (wisely) Gentlemen, we art not playing as we knoweth we can. Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.
Tomo: Friends, Croydonians, hockey players, lend me your ears, let our bloody colours wave! And either victory, or else a grave.
Ollie H: Once more into the breach, dear friends. Once more.

Croydonia winneth a short corner. With the usual players who taketh the penalty corners on the bench, the Duke calleth Dawesy ov'r to discuss.
Jay: Dawesy, playeth the routine the Queen of Fairies usually playeth, those gents wilt nev'r see t coming.
Dawesy: (Running ov’r) Wilt doth skipper
(Jog back to the D)
Ollie H, Griff, Ash, Indy, Kai and Dawesy huddle at the top of the circle
Dawesy: Ash thee setteth up as if 't be true thee art stopping. Indy thee pretend to drag flick. Ollie inject to me, I’ll passeth t straight to the back post. Kai runneth to the back post with thy stick down. Griff, back up.
The six men execute the routine to perfection. Oppo no four-and-twenty and the fairy servants art stunned. Croydonia art 3-1 to the valorous.

Scene 2.
Jay taketh the ball and is putteth under pressure by a bandana wearing fool. That gent slips the ball between his legs and attempts to runneth around the foe. The bandana knave, who can only beest described as a dried neat’s tongue, shoves the Duke to the ground.
Jay: (In disgust) Thou art a p****! I am sick when I look on thee, you three-inch fool! Thou art unfit for any place but hell.
Heckling and booing from the crowd. Cries of “behead him” are heard. It is at this point Oppo no four-and-twenty, showeth his true colours and reveals his nature as a p****
Oppo No four-and-twenty: (In snuffs and with jealousy) What doth thee expect with men from Croydonia, pushing, shoving, cheating? Those gents don't even knoweth how to playeth hockey!
Neil: (with a smirk) Villain, I have done thy mother

Final whistle is blown. Victory cheers art hath heard all around

Ollie Morris: When shall this team meet again? When the hurly-burlys done, when the league and cup are won!
Kai: Well done chaps! Let us retireth to the tavern and quaffeth ale!
Jaideep Nay! What three things doth drink maketh a man do? Marriage (Ash), sir, nose-painting (Margy), sleep (Ollie H) and urine (Bash).
Kai: Lechery, sir, it provokes and unprovokes. It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance!
Exit stage left.

Cheam Wetlands 1 – 3 Kingdom of Croydonia