COWHC Men's 2s vs Cheam Men's 2s - 10th December 2016

Saturday’s match between CROWs Men’s 2s and Cheam Men’s 2s prompted this review by Mike Bowling, hockey (and part time theatre & ballet) correspondent:

Shakespeare’s famous tale of an improbable romantic alliance is so endlessly fascinating because it is so hard to read. Is it misogynist, or is it holding up male misogyny to ridicule? Is it a heartfelt tract about the all-consuming nature of love, or a farce that’s not meant to be taken remotely seriously?
In this hockey adaptation, CROWs and Cheam bend it in yet another direction. Created in the early 1590s by Shakespeare, adapted much later perhaps more famously, by Cole Porter, into a 1948 musical (Kiss Me Kate), and here getting its hockey premiere, the tale becomes one of two similarly enthusiastic, relatively highly tempered, hockey teams who must in fact try to ‘tame’ each other.

It begins before curtain-up, with first CROWs vice-soloist Jay…sitting in for skipper Cocksy’s late arrival….setting the scene on a nearby netball court…by slinking in with heels, swapping them for pointe hockey shoes, and part coquettishly, part-sarcastically leading the opening applause with his assembled cast of players. Messrs Steele and Bowling step onto their toes and add to the chorus line.
And then, it’s time, the curtains swish up to reveal the fine, green(ish), sleekly angular field of play, and a stage bristling with excitement with anticipation. The lighting is beautifully pointed…..on the tennis courts and not on the pitch. Thankfully the bill is paid and David Lloyd switches the pitch lights on.

The coin is tossed and the game is on…..

Cheam’s choreographic style is an eclectic, high-octane and often witty fusion of classical and modern, and it is only a matter of moments before the CROWs have their Goalkeeper to thank for fending off their would-be suitors with complex and fearsome barrages of high-arms, strong kicks and determined shot stopping. The Sweeper - Bowling (myself) - flailing madly in unrecognisable, uncharacteristic, unknown sloppiness. Hence the call to pen this week’s match report. DoD? No….just my turn surely!
Guile and courage being shown throughout by both sets of players in the early stages, directed quite effortlessly by the most proficient storytelling (umpiring) I’ve seen in many a game. But it is Cheam who start to assert the pressure.
The CROWs weather the onslaught. Gradually they begin to turn the Cheam ball over. Gaining in their own belief that their league position really should be showing in their play more than it was. Plus I think they’d really like to keep it as far away from their (weakest link) Sweeper as possible!

The more-than-ably proportioned Cheam handle these scenes with brio, ferocity and strong comic nous, but subtly ups her game still further upon the arrival of Chris Morling. Leonine of hair and Brando-esque of swagger, a world-class artist and supremely crisp and articulate mover, he’s a match for Cheam not only in terms of the standard of his dancing (absolutely first-rate – good grief how fast and precisely he turns, how powerfully he takes to the air), but also for her aggression, which he bats off with an all-too-male smugness. He treats her atrociously – but she generally gives as good as she gets, and they expertly convey the sense of things starting to heat up between them.
But the CROWs are an unforgiving murder, and midway through Act I they swoop with Chris. His adagio of play really is quite something. His finish for 1-0 would make grown men turn quite pale. Cheam had their chances, swiftly and effortless moving into the CROWs defensive line but their final flurry was unfortunately either letting them down, or being superbly managed by Steve and GK Terry. Not scoring was to be Cheam’s downfall moments later as Jay Patel slipped another in for 2-0.
Not to be deterred, Cheam swiftly moved the ball into the CROWSs 23 down their right hand side…and a slide pass across the circle was unfortunately tuned past his own goalkeeper by…err…yes…me! ….2-1 (…if the ground could open up….I’d have probably been in a car park! ….and that’s as close to Monaco as Cheam gets!)

The most unforgettable clinch, however, comes not far into Act II. He (CROWs) pretends to warm himself in front of a make-believe fire, whereupon she (Cheam), realisation visibly dawning on her intelligent, elfin face, joins in with the ruse. A shared, secret understanding starts to develop, and this is soon fanned into a vocal fight scene of astonishing steaminess: all credit to CROWs for the eloquence and intimacy of his steps, but also to the two clubs for their complete commitment. Neither side willing to back down. Both standing their ground, Tempers raised, Voices raised, but really both sets of payers really just wanting to win the game. The storytellers (umpires) handling it all with effortless ease dispatching players with early Christmas green cards.
The CROWS were the ones to steady themselves the quickest with Chris scoring his second for 3-1. Cheam didn’t let up. They continued to press and fought hard to win the ball in midfield. Their efforts paying off to bring the score back to 3-2.
The CROWs were under pressure….so who would press on and take ownership of the final flurry. The audience were poised with antici……..pation! Fortunately it was us. Two break away moves of simple beauty saw the hard running Pardeep finish one and Chris another to complete his hat-trick.
The rest of the cast are similarly beyond reproach. As CROWs serene and adored returning defender John Wojczak, he is charm and elegance itself, and along with Alex Steele, when they’re on at the same time, it’s a little like watching Swan Lakes’s Odette & Odile share a stage. As the house(goal)keeper, Terry Eeles commands the D-stage with a giddy combination of technical polish, comedic pizzazz and film-star femininity.

Not only does it build to a conclusion with interesting things to say about the intoxicating complicity that develops in close relationships between two relatively local clubs; at just two acts totalling 70 minutes, it didn’t waste a second getting us there. This remains an in-the-end not completely polished but very entertaining performance by CROWs, delivered by a company today not at the top of its game but still managing to score 5. An eccentric but definite success for the CROWs who came through as victors 5-2

Crows – Terry, Mikey, Steve, Woj, Raj, Cocksy, Ed, Steelers, Chris, Oli, Hugo, Indy, Pardeep, Jay
Score – 5-2
Goal scorers – Chris Morling x 3, Jay Patel & Pardeep Chatwal
PoM – Chris Morling
DoD – Mikey Bowling
Umpire – Jack Murphy