COWHC Men's 4s vs Horley Men's 2s - 13th Oct 2018

“Is it locked?”
“No mate, we just like standing outside gates to hockey fields.”

That’s right. The 4s were back in action and their banter was looking in fine fettle as ever thanks to Mr Brazier. Followers of our show, since the 10-1 mauling of Old Reigations, had been looking forward to this week’s edition all week. An edition that would see us battle both the queues on the A23 (thanks to our travelling fans) and the tied-with-us-for-first-place Horley.

As we waited for the aforementioned gates to be unlocked Mr Chaundy commented on Ben’s Hero’s car, as it leaked water from the front door, as one of the greatest things he’d ever seen in his life. I may be from the third world but on that evidence of that I’m not trading places with Mr Chaundy next time round! Once inside the grounds Skip Maundrell had an embarrassment of riches to select from. We would start with a solid back five of Phil, Skip, the evergreen Johnny G, Jamie and Killer with Chambo to come on when required. A midfield of Callum squared, Adam Williams and Ben, left yours truly partnering Adam Cady up front. We started with a solid opening 15 minutes of gracefully stroking the ball around our own 16 yards, sometimes even to their players, just to let them feel a part of the event. Some may go as far as to say we lacked a bit of a game plan at the beginning. Well, the problem here was the game plan of ‘get the ball to Brad’ just doesn’t work when Brad is on the side line! With a stroke of genius yours truly unselfishly and heroically substituted himself for Brad and the 4s were finally underway. There had been a storm quietly building and Callum broke with a flood of passes down the right. Qaz, appearing from stage left, ghosted across the pitch, picked up the trajectory of one of these passes, followed the game plan and with the kiss of a ballroom dancer put Brad into space. All Brad had to do was simply finish off the move with a blazing strike from the top of the D while beating two defenders. Which he did. Naturally. 1-0 Crows.

We kept the pressure up by allowing them no more than a dozen short corners to take against us before the interval. Phil was immense to say the least. As the stroke of half time approached our universal fame would prove to be the cause of our own demise though. It all started as Horley were awarded a last short corner before half time. An extra-terrestrial, no doubt having heard of our exploits and wanting our autographs, materialised Star-Trek-like on the pitch, mistook the ball for an ambassador for our team and in an attempt to shake hands with it accidentally steered their easily-saveable strike towards the injector instead. The injector, afraid of anything from outer space ever since he watched Diana eat that mouse in V, closed his eyes and took a swing at the alien. He missed but in the process accidentally connected the ball in the sweet spot and sent it goal wards. Our alien fan, diving to get out the way of the swing, clattered into Phil thus preventing him from pulling off his 144th save of the half and we found ourselves at 1-1. Mr Williams went to have a word with ET (who we never saw again) and the rest of us trudged away to the goal to regroup.

And regroup we did. Brad’s half time words were immense as they were strategic. He pointed out we were spread too far across the pitch in the midfield. We should force the ball to go down the wide channels by looking to come inside. I tried that once and it was weeks before she spoke to me again. Brad was correct in a hockey sense and following Mr Netherway’s and Mr Maundrell’s eyebrow-burning words of passion we stampeded off to begin the second half. A much more balanced affair took place with the Crows giving as good as they were getting, if not better. With Messrs Beard, Brazier, Gallagher and Cady playing narrower now, the half time strategy was thriving! This time the short corners were in our favour. Unfortunately the bounce of the ball was not and it remained deadlocked at 1-1. Triple-save Phil, Chambo, Johnny G and the Skip were putting up such a solid resistance in the middle that the men of Horley eventually had to result to dirty tricks to find a break through. One of their supporters, unfortunately not caught on camera as all our fans’ batteries had gone dead by the end of the first half from taking so many photos of us, was seen unlocking the shed next to the pitch. Out of it emerged a buffalodile, a creature these men of Horley had been crossbreeding for soon-to-be-discovered nefarious purposes and upon its release was sent waddling and snorting towards our defence. At the same time a short corner was being taken and as the ball was about to be saved by Phil this cumbersome yet toothy beast blocked his view allowing the ball to get past and into the goal. Amidst the stunned silence of Horley getting a second goal the animal, finding Phil no longer presents a hearty meal anymore, instead seized its chance to sneak out the gate and gain its freedom. It was last seen charging across the A23 where I’m told it collided with an SUV causing them both to explode thus causing the heroes of this story to sit in traffic for up to an hour after the game. True story.

2-1 down. 4 minutes to play. Callum English has the ball.
With the accuracy of Tom Hanks spearfishing in Castaway he picks his pass.
It’s to me on the back post.
With the accuracy of Denzel Washington in Flight I bottle it.
3 minutes to play. The ball is won back.
It works its way to Scott on the right. Scott sticks to the game plan.
Brad has it. Keeper rounded. Goal time
No.
An unsavoury defender takes a last gasp dive to block the ball with his foot.
Some mutter about the spirit of the game. Not the Crows 4th XI. We nod at the defender in respect.
P Flick given.
Surely it’s another double for Brad on the cards?
Wait. What’s this?
Mr English has basically pulled the equivalent of asking Lionel Messi to step aside from taking the final penalty in the Champions League Final shootout!
Mr Brazier calms Mr van R's protestations.
The crowd goes quiet.
Callum sets himself.
Whistle blows.
Top left.
Never in doubt.
The bras are starting to pop.
Hold.
This is the 4s.
One last attack to defend!
Mr Maundrell.
One last jab of the stick.
The ball is bouncing away for a long corner.
Time up.
2-2.

Teeth are gnashed, hands are firmly shook, the wounded are carried off. It has been a battle for the ages. In hindsight perhaps a draw was a fair result. Perhaps.

A number of players to choose POM from. A stolen glance at the skipper’s book means I now abuse my privilege of match reporter to give a shout out to Callum Chaundy in second place. Worthy of a mention this author feels. In the end though the heroics of Phil, including that impressive triple save, meant he was this weeks’ worthy winner of the POM vote! Well deserved!

Congratulations, however, must go to every team member for a performance of epic proportions, especially when it comes to fighting spirit!

Until the next time I’m given the pen…

POM: Phil Hoare
Goals: Get the ball to Brad. Callum English.
DOD: ?

Photos courtesy of Andy Crayford of Crayford Media: http://www.crayfordmedia.com/client-galleries/gallery/hockey/horley-hockey-club/mens/2018-2019-season/horley-m2-v-croydon-and-old-whitgiftian-m4-131018#64789