COWHC Men's 4s vs Woking Wasps - 29th Sept 2018

Mike, look, there’s a spare bench for you to sit on while we play!”
“That’s okay, it’s still more game time than I got last season.”

And like that the banter of a new season was underway.

New season, new league, new skipper - there was excitement and tension all round! The car park was full, international sporting events cancelled and even Theresa May, needing a break from botching Brexit, was on her way to watch. Heck, even the 1s ‘arrived early’, thus avoiding having to buy tickets, just to try get a glimpse of us play. Who can blame them. Who can blame them.

Onto the game itself and our wiley skipper Maundrell cleverly decided to bat first. This would give time for Qaz to arrive. Perhaps he was late as he needed to recover from the bombardment of abuse he received on WhatsApp the night before? He foolishly enquired, to the chagrin of Mr Williams, what colour shirt the oppo would be wearing. It’s ‘family blood red’ as always Qaz, you should know this by now. Anyway, from the start we set off to play as high a tempo hockey as we could and no one disappointed. A spine of WhamJambo, Chris Maundrell, Callum ‘not quite of a 3s standard yet but with a few years in the 4s may eventually get there’ English, Scott ‘just the green card today’ Netherway, the Adam formerly known as captain and the other Adam, Mr Cady meant the Woking Wasps did not know what had stung them (that’s right - no apologies). But 20 minutes or so in they realised that their side of the scoreline was, in fact, still intact, despite us having 124% possession and 194% territory (down from last year’s average but it is our first game of the season). Finally a chance to open the scoring fell to your beloved author and fearsome fantasy manager (-1 at the time of push back. Thanks Lena.). Safe to say the ball, as always, was in no danger of being hit, let alone goalward, and with the first freshy of the season out the way the rest of the forwards could now relax and get on with doing their thing. And the man to do his thing was Brad. After picking up the ball from a stray pass he proceeded to dribble towards goal, leaving no fewer than 9 defenders in his wake, before cannoning it into the backboard. I felt I deserved an assist for selflessly diving out the way of his shot, thus distracting the keeper, but sadly no. Instead I was substituted.

Half time team talk. Maundrell wasn’t quite sure what to say. We were 1-0 up. It was odd. It felt weird. Luckily Roachy had sent advice to us (like all impartial umpires do) through Nicky, our beloved Ladies 1s Captain, who had helpfully informed me earlier in the day that one of the ladies in my fantasy team has just had a baby. Which, despite the humour, actually worked out better for me than selecting Lena. Anyway, we were told to be more patient with the ball. No need for everything to go straight into the D as soon as possible. We acknowledged the advice with wise nods of the head and lined up for the second half. Within 30 seconds Callum English had the ball under control and sent it flying onto the D to no one in particular. He really fits in that boy! Mr Ford, who had been having an absolute blinder at the back, took a knock and decided to bring me on so he could take a breather. And like that Woking was level. I swear Phil was actually falling over asleep from boredom rather than falling over to try stop the ball when they scored. That is mother hockey for you. So it looked like yet another game where it would be talk of pints and not points. Luckily we had in our possession the reputable Ross Jacobs. Another lightning bolt pass from Callum into the D and Ross, while attempting to focus the four balls he could see coming his way into just one, completed his ‘intended’ dummy and the resulting Woking foot meant we had a short corner. Who else but Brad himself stepped up to take it and the thunderbolt he unleashed will never be forgotten. Especially by the Woking defender he unleashed it into! In the words of Brad himself: “He did kindly tee it up nicely for me to have a second go!” And have a second go he did. With the backboard in more tatters than the previously mentioned defender we celebrated our winner! As always, women were running naked all over the scene, Mike Ford was howling at the moon and the headmaster of Trinity was already enquiring which player he should erect a statue of in remembrance of the day. We voted it to be one Jamie Beard, Esq, P.O.M.
The new season had officially begun. Some new faces. Some new characters. Same old fighting spirit! Long into the season may it continue (along with Brad and Callum’s presence of course)!

Right. I think that’s everyone mentioned?

Can’t think of anyone I’ve missed?

Oh well, they can’t be that important if I haven’t mentioned them...

Before you have a heart attack Ben...

You know you’re playing in the mighty fours when Maundrell, at the top of his lungs, is shouting: “Who’s my left back?” and the response from the keeper is: “I think he’s about to shoot Chris...” (as Ben proceeds to blaze the ball, spectator bound).

Until the next time I’m given the pen…

POM: Jamie Beard
Goals: Brad. Brad.
DOD: ?