COWHC Men's 4s vs Leatherhead Men's 3s - 18th March 2017

There is little doubt that Adam Williams’s Fourth Team of 2016/17 will take their rightful place as the greatest sporting team of all time. Pep Guardiola’s tika taka Barcelona, Steve Hansen’s all conquering All Blacks, Bill Belichick’s New England Deflatriots. All worthy contenders but in the end they fall short of the standard that this team, some say fashioned by the almighty himself, has set. Read on for yet another mesmerising tale from the archives of everyone’s favourite Croydon and Old Whitgiftian Men’s hockey team…the Men’s 4s.

Fresh off a surprising 4-3 win against second placed Guildford, the second from bottom Leatherhead 3s were so confident they would beat us they sent only 10 players to our ‘Fourtress’: the ever menacing Croydon High School for Girls. Scratch that. From the look of them I think they probably only sent 8 players and picked up a couple of late night strays to make up the numbers. Speaking of which, our very own late night stray, Ross Jacobs, was thankfully spotted making his way towards us through the napalm haze of standard-Friday-night-police-action in Croydon. The only thing wider than the grin on his face was the spread of his fellow Skylark adventurer’s legs a few hours before. Another worthy mention from pre-game hijinx was the moment a former fourth team legend, The Foz, arrived to pay his respects to us and greeted Jon Winder with the words: “Hello Karl!”
To be honest, an easy mistake to make. You can tell Jon and Karl apart by their shoe size only. I think. But as Andy Dufrane famously said, “How often do you look at a man’s shoes?”
‘All the time’ is the answer if you’re umpiring Joe. Once again, dressed in his all black outfit, Joe was set to dance, dribble and at times even use his hockey stick to take the attack to the opposition.

Not knowing what to make of their line-up, Adam, while questioning whether they had families we could actually threaten, set out our stall as strongly as he could and we awaited pushback. A good start saw us pin the opposition down for the first few minutes but, as is standard for the readers of our exploits, the first few attempts went wide. Then the breakthrough. What could be sweeter than taking the complex training drill from midweek (that involves a two-man weave, a delayed pivot and an angled pass to the attacker on the back post) and employing it in a match situation? I’ll tell you what. A wild and woolly smash into the D from the midfield leaving Adam to get lower than Ross’s standards and deflect it home. That’s what.
1-0 to God’s own hockey team and we were under way!
Monkey see. Monkey do. Minutes later another midfield smash into their D and another ball accidentally deflected into the net by Adam.
At 2-0 up, we kept up the concentration and intensity, aided with shouts of “0-0 Croydon”, “Keep switched on”, “Killer! Stay away from Trudy!” There was to be no let-up in our attack and soon we would find ourselves frequently winning shorts, one after the other.
Connoisseurs of our meticulous short corner goat rope were in for a treat today!
Leading the way, Scotty merrily displaced not one but two pigeons from their homes with his drag-hook-lob. Adam stepped up and showed his potential for the lead in Swan Lake as he pirouetted over the ball leaving it in no danger of being struck. Not to be outdone Scotty returned with a 360 degree golf swing-and-a-miss that was so bad the opposition let him have a second go at it. Clearly they knew what they were doing as a 16 yard was soon awarded. At last Scotty mis-dragged one (I’m certain he had his eye on the Peregrine perched on the fence) and it was in the back of the net. Such was the shock we had scored from a short corner that Mike Ford argued it should be disallowed for being above the back board. Now who do we know that could explain that rule to Mike? As luck would have it….

A word on Lena from the Ladies 1s who kindly and excellently umpired for us today. Firstly, thank you. Secondly, you must be some sort of prodigy! For the first time this season Scotty “Wayne Barnes” Netherway was not heard offering his sage advice to the umpire as to why he was right and the umpire was wrong. Not once. Can there be any higher praise for an umpire? Sadly, such kindness was not to be reciprocated and Scotty soon found himself sitting on the bench, a recipient of yet another green card. What’s that Lena? You didn’t card him? Sorry, I just saw Scott off the field and assumed….

Back to the action. I am not sure of the order of the goals such was the flurry they went in with but I do know that Adam, our fearless, handsome leader, personal inspiration to me and hopefully selects me next week, completed a brilliant, not seen better myself, hat-trick at some point. Joe curled in a free kick and Scott repeated his first minute antics from last week’s game with a run more divisive than a Donald Trump tweet. 6-0 at half time and things were looking good. Not looking so good was Ross, whose sobriety had still not reached a legal driving limit (even in his native home of South Africa).

The second half started and it was clear Leatherhead were going to shore up their defence with numbers and try catch us on the break. Left to strike on his own their Willie-Nelson-Lookalike-Competition-Winner did manage to get the ball in a few good positions but with the class of Max, Chalkie and Johnny G in the centre of defence there was never really any danger was there? Well, Ciaran is always a threat but today he was left powerless to intervene. £10 to pad up and then pad down. Bargain for an on field seat to watch the 4s play if you ask me. Speaking of bargains what a player that Mike Ford is! It was a true pleasure to have the honour of passing him the ball no fewer than 12 times today (I counted) as he continued his league dominance of the right hand channel. Is there a finer right back in the club? I’m not sure there is. Quote 2nd XI legend Stephen McKeown from the clubhouse afterwards: “That Mike Ford has really improved! He’s something special now isn’t he JP?” Yes he is Steve. Yes he is. Maybe a few less shooters next week. There was a welcome return to action for HamJam (injury) and Nellie (AWOL) today. Their willingness to run the length of the field to win the ball did not show any signs of deterioration from their respective layoffs. Good to have you back lads! The Hipster twins were solid as always, stroking their beards and the ball around the park with their usual nonchalance. A quiet game from Bob today but with the 7 defenders of Leatherhead singling him out for tight marking he allowed the likes of Joe and Adam the space to do what he does best: score goals. It’s been said before: a great team man our Bob! And a final mention for Killer. The comment doesn’t come from me as what do I know about hockey, let alone defence, but our very own Mr Rules is Rules: “Please mention the change in Killer’s game from last week as he stopped diving in and instead channelled the attackers away from goal. It was great to watch!” Well done Killer. There is no higher praise. Unless it comes from Mike Ford of course.

What to say about the second half given we were 6-0 up at the break? I’m sure you’re wanting to read about the next 6 goals at least? Disappointingly, this team does have a mercy button and players were pushed into positions that weren’t their own to get some much needed game time in different parts of the park. I did not enjoy the ease with which Max took to my position if I’m honest (I can’t be dropped from 2 championship winning teams in 2 years can I? Maybe. Probably. And I shouted at Mike unnecessarily at practice? ‘Sigh’ I’m stuffed!)
So just the one goal from the no-longer-improving-and-now-just-excellent Joe in the second half to show for our labours. There was a moment of mirth provided by Leatherhead when a hearty hit was taken in a crowded midfield, starting the ball on a trajectory towards Willie Nelson waiting in the D. Suddenly it deviated away to safety without the sound of a hockey stick involved. “Surely there was a foot there Miss Umpire!” cried Willie. To which a limping Leatherhead 92 responded: “There certainly was. It was mine.” How we laughed. Not long after that Scotty got sent off went off on one of his slalom runs and slid in Adam for a potential fourth only for Adam to convert it instead. The skill taken to lift the ball over the bar, instead of under it, from such a close angle, was truly breath taking! It just goes to show the lengths our magnanimous Captain will take to keep a respectful score line against a team out of their depth. Well done on your sportsmanship skip!

There the game ended. A few nasty scenes at the end with the lack of a cook at our clubhouse upsetting the Leatherhead chain of command. Clearly the aforementioned recruitment drive had included the promise of a free meal and a roof overhead for the afternoon.

And that as they say was that.

All I have left to tell you is our unbeaten streak now extends to 11 games and lasts back to October 2016. Oh yes. And the small matter of this win guaranteeing us promotion! I would like to elaborate more but I will leave the honours of describing our promotion in detail to a more deserving scribe (and personal hero of mine) Mike Ford. He will be back next week where, with one win to go to the league title, he will surely be describing both promotion and league champions in a single report – I look forward to it! Signing off as a proud member of the soon to be announced Team of the Year…stay kif and lekker!

MoM: Adam Williams (Finally! For a skilfully taken hat trick and all round leading from the front performance!)
DoD: Ciaran Pell (for not bothering to help the defence by touching the ball.)