COWHC Men's 4s vs Cheam Men's 4s - 04th March 2017

A great playwright once penned: “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of the Men’s 4s.”

Or something like that.

Centuries later a “plays on the right” penned more fittingly: “Kill them. And their families.”

And it was in this spirit that the Men’s 4s took to the pitch on Saturday to play out their “friendly” against a willing and confident looking Cheam 4s.

The match would turn out to be men vs boys (literally) with only their keeper a danger to keeping the score line parity. Well, that’s unfair. At any given moment our keeper is also a danger to parity but with Max, Johnny G, Mike and Ken lining up in front of Cieran, his attempts to disrupt it are set back. Yes, that was again the base 5 from which we would build our attacks.

The midfield was bolstered with the good news that Ross Jacobs would have to pull out as his services were required elsewhere. This left a delighted JP, Scotty, Jon and Karl chomping at the bit with the thought of a full game on the park. In retrospect we probably all got a bit too excited. At one stage a bystander would have been treated to:

- Jon making runs down the left touchline (even with Mike in his ear reminding him he was the right half)

- Scott putting passes into space that were asking Bob to minus 20 years and add 20 yards

- JP reminding a 12 year old that he was indeed only 12 years old with a “tackle” so bad that even Adam booed him!

With the early game jitters out the way the 4s started to play some of their best hockey to date! Mike put in the yards on the right of the field allowing an effective outlet at any time, Scott was playing exhibition hockey with his dribbling and Adam, Bob and Joe were both getting good strikes away. One was even on target. Unfortunately we were being schooled in what it will take to play in the league above with a masterclass from their goalkeeper. The 4s were relentless in their pressure though and finally the dam broke! 1-0 to the greatest team the number 4 has ever been associated with and it was no less than these handsome men of war deserved!

It appeared we would easily remain 1-0 up but a lack of substitutes meant we lacked our normal luxury of running hard for 15 minutes and then taking a break. The opposition sensed the tiring legs towards the end of the half and began to run into the midfield holes instead of trying to pass through them. The aforementioned Max, Johnny G, Mike and Ken were all called into action and all put in some fantastic last ditch tackles to keep us 1-0 up at the break. The warning signs were there though.

The second half started, and as we had foolishly left family members alive, they came back hard at us. Cieran must have taken a knock at half time or something as he proceeded to pull off a series of excellent saves to keep us in the lead (3 straight strikes in a row at one stage if memory serves). Joe “Carlsberg” Hyatt joined us in the midfield (where all good strikers play I hear) and we went on the offensive again. Unfortunately the offensive is what let us down. With the midfield spreading itself to let the ball do the work one of the Cheam defenders put in a surprising tackle and followed it up with an even more surprising pass through our gaping midfield to their striker. Cieran seized his chance and we were locked at 1-1.

I’m not entirely sure of the next sequence of events but I believe it started with Mike expressing his view that the two-state solution to the Israel-Palestinian conflict was the best route forward. Johnny G took exception proclaiming that a one state solution was preferable. They remained locked in a heated debate for quite a while leaving a few defensive duties to go amiss. Carlsberg don’t do goals. And neither does Joe. Which he aptly demonstrated to us by trying to “testicle” the ball into the back of the net. With things beginning to fall apart our skipper Adam took control and re-issued our

battle cry in a bid to restore order. Despite his own personal pain Joe responded and moments later he was gliding into the D to perform the first part of a modern-day-crows-fourth-team miracle and instead of the standard impossibly angled strike he unselfishly slid the ball to the back post. Here the second part of the miracle took place. Someone was actually there. That person was one of our resident hipsters Karl Cottle and with his usual consistency he dispatched the ball into the net. I have a reliable source in Italy that tells me they feared Mt Vesuvius was no longer dormant such was the roar that erupted from CR2 8YB. With the lights on and burning brightly for the masses another slip to the back post a few moves later almost resulted in a well-deserved second for Karl but it went just wide.

With 5 minutes to go, and in the true nature and spirit of a friendly, the Men’s 4s parked the bus. Or maybe Adam was just trying out his hand in defence to give JP a run up front next week? Not a bad thought that. But I digress. 2-1 the final score in favour of God’s own hockey team. Did someone say: Unbeaten in 9? Including a team from the league above? Surely Surrey Premier beckons in the not too distant future.

Big shout out to Martin Burke who gave up his afternoon to umpire our game – thank you!

And a thank you to Cheam for giving us a run out on a weekend off.

The league returns next week. Mike Ford is selling tickets if you want to come watch (as well as colour print outs from a certain Dubai photo album that he ‘found’ on Facebook). With the confidence gained from today I almost (almost) feel sorry for the next team we face. And their families. Until next time I’m given the pen…..stay kif and lekker.

MoM – Joe Hyatt

DoD – Johnny G