M1 Match Report v Barnes 6th October 2018

I would like to start by apologising for the lateness of my report, however as Dom’s 20km hike took so much out of me and took so long, I thought that it would be suitably fitting to leave this equally as late. Anyway I was busy on Tuesday night at the Theatre so couldn’t do it then, oh wait, was that Wednesday night? Was there actually a reason I couldn’t make training?
9am – What a day, what a lovely day. I will start off this day with my favourite past times; FIFA, tinder, bumble and hinge. What a life I lead.
10am – I don’t know if any of my teammates know this, but my eloquent and much esteemed friend Dom works at Sainsbury’s. I can’t believe that he brought me home breakfast from work last night. Actually seeing as he bought it I will let him cook it all and then once I’ve eaten I will let him wash it all up too, it only seems fair. It was delicious though, and as I strode upstairs to collect my shin pads, gum shield, hockey stick and track suit with far too many initials on it, I could not help but think ‘today is going to be a good day’.
12am – Now, as many of you may well know, then one thing that I love is cardio. As I’m sure you can imagine when Dom suggested that we walked half way across London to get to the Barnes Astroturf I was simply ecstatic. The rain, slightly frustrating, but only because it stopped the screen of my phone working and seriously impeded my swiping ability.
2pm – Game time, I love hockey, and I used to play for Chelmsford; I don’t know if I have ever told any of teammates that? As I try to recall the memorable moments of this game, I struggle somewhat. Abiding memories include the ‘floorials and unnecessarials’, Dom being told to have to run to get the ball (shock), and Lubo’s or should I say Roberto Carlos’ sweet left foot…
The game itself started and we played hockey, some decent hockey at that! Surprise surprise this meant that the mighty CROWS 1s found themselves a goal behind. However, as Martin Heidegger once stated “he who thinks great thoughts, often makes great errors”, it became quite clear that Rochie wasn’t thinking much, as he made no errors and began to pull off save after save.. Well done that man. Annoyingly the CROWS boys were still playing some decent hockey, but to no avail. The half ended 1-0 to Barnes. With some stirring words at halftime, the imperious CROWS emerged and started where they left off.
As the second half roared into life CROWS were pushing and pushing to get…out of our half. The second half escapes my memory somewhat but with 5 minutes to go the game roared into life. As Barnes broke with four minutes to go and with Dom chasing back (I know, I’m as surprised it happened as much as those reading this) the attacking Barnes player began to close down upon Lubo who was stood waiting in a Jonny Wilkinson-esque stance to stop the onrushing Barnes attacker. What happened next can only be described as poetic, as with a swing of his left foot (think the Roberto Carlos free kick vs France in 1997) he struck the ball so cleanly that even the umpires were aghast at the connection. However, what this didn’t do was stop the attack as the Barnes player promptly collected the ball and scored what can only described as a fairly poor tap in (understatement of the week but never mind); the score was now 2-0 Barnes Unsurprisingly but disappointedly this act resulted in a yellow card.
Breaking news, DOM HAS SCORED A SHORT CORNER. With the seconds counting down CROWS then managed to win their first short corner in two weeks. Actually that isn’t really true as for some reason it was awarded after the final whistle. As Dom stepped up he used utter brute force to flick this high into the net, and followed up with a pathetic celebration as it was the end of the game and we had already. I can’t work out why he wasn’t ecstatic about getting the fantasy points but never mind.
4pm – My new friend Mark is about to become a pilot, and if his driving is anything to go by I will definitely be looking to book flights with EasyJet; what a safe pair of hands. I managed to swiftly change my attention from the days hockey and changed into Beer Pong mode, although I’m not very good..
6pm – I quick stop off on route to Chaundy’s offered nothing, I don’t really want to go there again.
8pm – 12pm - Beer Beers Beers. I love it here, I have all my friends around me and I can’t wait to win the beer pong competition. We raced into the semi-finals, shock, but then lost to some rather suspect men dressed as either pirates or rock stars, I’m not quite sure what they were. Never mind, a good time was had by all and I could not wait to head into the depths of Croydon to see what was hiding there on a Saturday.
2am – The Joker. What. An. Establishment. Enough said. I wonder if they have rooms?
4am – Of all my memories from my day, I feel this will stay with me the longest. I was minding my business eating my chips in the back of my Uber home when out of nowhere, the driver took exception to this. He ordered me to leave his taxi and I refused. After an exchange of words I realised that he was holding my phone and not me – I don’t know quite how this happened. After some strong words and an outright refusal to get out of the taxi in the middle of Norbury I cannot confirm nor deny if the police were called but there was a funny man wearing a hat who seemed quite forceful. Maybe his flashing car was a giveaway? After this event, I found myself wandering the streets of Norbury where I was befriended by a Russian gentleman. Said Russian kindly waited for me to get my new taxi and waved me on my way, where I finished off my now cold chips.
And so ends this day, for the 6th of October was a mighty fine one for me, Simon John William Bird.