COWHC Men's 1s vs Camberley & Farnborough Men's 1s - 25th March 2017

A day in the life of Dominic Coe O’Brien (a.k.a Dom the Dog)
Saturday. Dominic the Dog was slumbering peacefully in his basket next to the aga oven. It had been a long and busy week sniffing packs of cooked ham for Sainsburys. Outside, squirrels and birds were enjoying the early morning sunshine knowing it wouldn’t be long until the peace was destroyed. The kitchen clock was ticking steadily round towards 8am. Everything was normal in the little south London cul-de-sac. But at 7.48 the normality was broken. A small little red van pulled round into the end of the road and parked up against kerb. A few seconds later, a boy on a bike shot around the corner, screeched to a halt and hopped off his bike before leaning it against one of the trees that lined the road. To an outsider, nothing would appear to be out of the norm. But in the kitchen of a house half way down the road, an ear pricked up sensing something different. Dom the Dog had come out of his dozy state and was now fully awake. Could it be true? Could it be possible that BOTH the postman and the paperboy had arrived at the same time?
It was true, and Dom could not believe it. Christmas had come early! Dom jumped out of his basket and sprinted to the front door, his big paws slipping and sliding on the wooden floorboards. He then spent the next 15 minutes barking his head off at the letterbox as both the postman and the paperboy worked their way round the street. But before either the postman or the paperboy reached Dom’s house, a sleepy Paddy (Dom’s owner) came down the stairs and beat Dom with his slipper for making so much noise before kicking him out into the garden. It hurt and Dom yelped, but he kinda liked being spanked by a slipper in a weird way. It got him all in the mood for the day ahead and today was going to be a good day!
Dom was a clever dog. Dom could chase little white balls really well and then occasionally put the little white balls in the goal. And today being Saturday meant that Dom was going to be let off his lead and let loose on a bunch of unsuspecting halfwits. But being a late push back meant that Dom had to wait a few hours first. So Dom spent the morning running round the garden, shitting behind the shed and barking at the squirrels in the trees before being allowed back into the house to demolish several cans of Pedigree dog protein and a whole plate of meaty shoe pie leftover from Chaundy’s match report two weeks ago. Perhaps Chaundy’s Mother would make some more this week!
Finally, it was time to go to hockey and see all of his mates again. There was a short team talk pre-game but Dom, like most of the team were too busy scratching their balls to listen to what Rob the Russell and Ben the St Bernard had to say. And so the game began at 3pm, but it was a disappointing start to say the least. It was a start that would be expected from a group of mongrels, not a group of fine pedigrees. Camberley and Farnborough started like greyhounds off the block and slotted two goals home within the first 10 minutes. Shaun Chihuahua was busy sniffing Shumar the Shihtzu’s arse, Tim the Terrier was chasing his own tail, whilst Mark Collie and Dovey the Dachshund had apparently changed allegiance to playing for Camberley & Farnborough. The game progressed in a similar fashion with both teams chasing the little white ball around the pitch aimlessly. The first half wasn’t particularly exciting but some points of note include:
1) Chaundy the Corgi getting told off by the umpire for barking too loud
2) Shumar the Shihtzu yapping “I’m free I’m free” constantly
3) Foley the Dog Walker trying desperately to get his team to do something useful with the little white ball.
Dom the Dog had spent most of the first half humping various legs of the opposition’s defence, but with 10 minutes to go before half time and now sexually satisfied, Dom began hunting down the little white ball himself. Some eventual D penetrations led to some short corners being awarded and the Dom the Dog stepped up to do what he did best…. Put the little white ball home.
Half Time 2-2. The second half was very similar to the first. The only moments worth mentioning are as follows:
1) Dovey the Dachshund getting his long body twisted round one of the opposition’s legs, thus leading to that member of the opposition sadly being put down due to the traumatic injury. Fortunately, the pest control umpires missed this incident and number of other savage attacks meaning the Dovey the Dachshund remained on the pitch.
2) Mark the Collie got a bit confused in the transition from defender to attacker and ruined a number of good opportunities by putting the ball out of play rather than towards the goal.
3) Dom the Dog shipped home a couple more goals to make it 4-2, but in classic CROWs fashion we decided to gift them a goal back as a thank you for letting us score and to make the final 5 minutes more interesting.
4) Foley the Dog Walker had long given up trying to coordinate his team of useless mutts, and had resigned himself to standing quietly on the sideline slowly pulling out what was left of his hair as the final tense moments ticked by.
Here ended the match, in what was agreed as the one of the least satisfying 3 points of the season. Dom the Dog was put back on his lead and taken home. After another session of Pedigree Dog Protein, got back into his basket to dream about chasing little white balls next weekend.
MOM: Dom the Dog for doing his job as a forward
DOTD: Mark the Collie for having more dogshit moments than anyone else in the team (impressive to have out done Dovey ‘the killer’ Dachshund)