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Sat 28 Jan 2017 · Hampshire/Surrey 2
Mens 1st XIRomsey 1
9
2
COWHC Men's 1s vs Romsey Men's 1s - 28th January 2017
Christopher Maundrell30 Jan 2017 - 11:07
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Match report from the steamy journals of our very own Shaun Cheesman. Warning – parental guidance is advised (his words not mine!)
Saturday the 28th of January saw top of the table CROWS play bottom of the table Romsey. Needless to say the mighty CROWS did their league position justice, running out 9-2 winners. However the highlight of the day was definitely the post match showers where a combination of beers, foamburst and inflatable pass the pigs led to at least 45 minutes of steamy, unadulterated enjoyment. I have therefore titled this match report:
50 shades of Grays
CROWS started the match with frenetic pace and CKS had a premature shot at goal within the first 30 seconds of the match, gently stroking his deflection wide of the gaping goal.
The tempo didn't abate for a good ten minutes as the CROWS caressed the ball around the turf and laid siege to Romsey's maidenhood (aka their clean sheet). Romsey finally relented to the CROW's charm offensive when their goalkeeper molested CKS to the floor and a penal stroke was the result. With the keeper sent to the sidelines with a green card it was left to some poor, unprotected defender to face Dom and his massive stroke. He subtly slid it into the mesh. 1-0 CROWS.
Due to the carding of the Romsey keeps the stroke took nearly 5 minutes (longer than usual for Dom). This resulted in the CROWs having a bit of a soft spell. However, Ed got the team hard again when he lashed a hit from Benj into the roof of the goal mouth. 2-0.
What proceeded from there until the climax of the first half was something far more delightful than a good S&M flogging. Unfortunately Romsey had forgotten the safe word so, even though the defenders begged the umps to blow the full time whistle before half time, the CROWs were relentless and continued to repeatedly pound the backs of the Hampshire team.
As a side note, here at the CROWs we are all about safety so, for any future teams reading this, if the pain ever gets too much the safe word is Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen.
But I digress. Timbo got the third finger up when he surprised the keeper with his fast hands and splattered the ball into the corner of keep’s modesty. Number four was created when Feebs' got out of control and ended up travelling from the top of the Double D to the panty-line with one foul touch. Not knowing what else to do he dirtily smashed it across goal where CKS finished from the tightest position he's been in since the time of his birth.
The five digits came just before the end of an orgasmic half when Dom found the glory hole from another penal corner. Having engorged ourselves on the Hampshire gift givers (they were generous playmates) for 35 minutes, the half time team talk was mainly about taking advantage of our great positions. CKS was also keen to find out whether we thought the Romsey team found him the most attractive. He's a little needy at times.
Unfortunately, as often happens after reaching the pinnacle of pleasure, the boys started the second half asleep. Romsey won a short corner and dribbled the ball past the snoring defence who up until that point had been outstanding. There was a second goal from another short corner to Romsey at some point in the half, but that's not part of the 50 shades plot.
Never mind, the film reel started to roll again and the team were ready for more hot action! CKS found sloppy seconds from our next penal corner as he stole Smudger's shot at glory. We all got really hard when Nicky prodded the ball in from 2 inches for 6 of the best, whilst Dom didn't want to be left out as he went back to keeps for thirds and fourths from penal corners.
At the back the older generation looked on and reminisced about how virile they used to be at that age whilst bouncing balls between them under pressure.
Cheesy at one point got a little over excited by all the action and gave one of the opposition’s sticks a good beating. Apparently that is bad manners in the 50 shades of Gray's rule book, and so even though he apologised profusely it wasn't enough to avoid a green card (and the honour of writing this match report). Ed then repeated the diabolical act 15 seconds later and received a yellow card for his efforts. In our defence, in both instances no safe word was uttered and I am still claiming mine was an ‘axe-ident’.
So there you have it. The mighty CROWS engorged after dishing out 9-2 shoe pie. Great fun was had by all except our opposition. And the moral of the story is - don't forget the safe word.
50 shades of Grays
CROWS started the match with frenetic pace and CKS had a premature shot at goal within the first 30 seconds of the match, gently stroking his deflection wide of the gaping goal.
The tempo didn't abate for a good ten minutes as the CROWS caressed the ball around the turf and laid siege to Romsey's maidenhood (aka their clean sheet). Romsey finally relented to the CROW's charm offensive when their goalkeeper molested CKS to the floor and a penal stroke was the result. With the keeper sent to the sidelines with a green card it was left to some poor, unprotected defender to face Dom and his massive stroke. He subtly slid it into the mesh. 1-0 CROWS.
Due to the carding of the Romsey keeps the stroke took nearly 5 minutes (longer than usual for Dom). This resulted in the CROWs having a bit of a soft spell. However, Ed got the team hard again when he lashed a hit from Benj into the roof of the goal mouth. 2-0.
What proceeded from there until the climax of the first half was something far more delightful than a good S&M flogging. Unfortunately Romsey had forgotten the safe word so, even though the defenders begged the umps to blow the full time whistle before half time, the CROWs were relentless and continued to repeatedly pound the backs of the Hampshire team.
As a side note, here at the CROWs we are all about safety so, for any future teams reading this, if the pain ever gets too much the safe word is Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen.
But I digress. Timbo got the third finger up when he surprised the keeper with his fast hands and splattered the ball into the corner of keep’s modesty. Number four was created when Feebs' got out of control and ended up travelling from the top of the Double D to the panty-line with one foul touch. Not knowing what else to do he dirtily smashed it across goal where CKS finished from the tightest position he's been in since the time of his birth.
The five digits came just before the end of an orgasmic half when Dom found the glory hole from another penal corner. Having engorged ourselves on the Hampshire gift givers (they were generous playmates) for 35 minutes, the half time team talk was mainly about taking advantage of our great positions. CKS was also keen to find out whether we thought the Romsey team found him the most attractive. He's a little needy at times.
Unfortunately, as often happens after reaching the pinnacle of pleasure, the boys started the second half asleep. Romsey won a short corner and dribbled the ball past the snoring defence who up until that point had been outstanding. There was a second goal from another short corner to Romsey at some point in the half, but that's not part of the 50 shades plot.
Never mind, the film reel started to roll again and the team were ready for more hot action! CKS found sloppy seconds from our next penal corner as he stole Smudger's shot at glory. We all got really hard when Nicky prodded the ball in from 2 inches for 6 of the best, whilst Dom didn't want to be left out as he went back to keeps for thirds and fourths from penal corners.
At the back the older generation looked on and reminisced about how virile they used to be at that age whilst bouncing balls between them under pressure.
Cheesy at one point got a little over excited by all the action and gave one of the opposition’s sticks a good beating. Apparently that is bad manners in the 50 shades of Gray's rule book, and so even though he apologised profusely it wasn't enough to avoid a green card (and the honour of writing this match report). Ed then repeated the diabolical act 15 seconds later and received a yellow card for his efforts. In our defence, in both instances no safe word was uttered and I am still claiming mine was an ‘axe-ident’.
So there you have it. The mighty CROWS engorged after dishing out 9-2 shoe pie. Great fun was had by all except our opposition. And the moral of the story is - don't forget the safe word.
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