COWHC Men's 1s vs Hamble Men's 1s - 19th November 2016

I know I go on about it a lot, but the Croydon Old Whits Men’s Hockey 1st XI is a pretty cool place to play hockey. So, friends, if you know of anyone looking for a fun, hard-working team to call home for the next step in their playing career, refer them in!

Who We Are
Croydon Old Whits Men’s 1st XI, otherwise known as “Crows” (a gathering of which is suitably called a “Murder”) is made up of an elite group of individuals, dedicated to ruining the Saturdays of opposition hockey players in the Hants/Surrey Regional League.
In the age of the empowered and confident opposition, we know that every experience an opposition team has with the Murder of Crows matters… a lot.
That’s why, from the very beginning, the Crows set out to build a powerful, unplayable style of hockey where we work hard for each other on and off the ball, mercilessly hunting down the opposition in a manner that has been described by other teams as ‘relentless’.
In our most recent outing, this led to the 4-0 victory over Hampshire side, Hamble.

What You’ll Do
- Utilise your talents acquired in Croydon to break into cars, when idiots lock their keys in the boot (thus getting you Dick of the Day, Henners)
- Provide a solid defensive performance that gets the team its first clean sheet of the season (Team Aryian)
- Distribute the ball across the pitch in both defence and midfield, switching beautifully from flank to flank, probing for entry points into the heart of the opposition’s defence
- Ensure you actively participate in the traditional 15 – 20 minute period in the middle of a game, when Crows drop effort, execution and skill levels, often referred to as the WTF Period
- Maintain composure and patience when the opposition parks the bus in their 23, despite being 3 goals down
- Shoot from silly angles and miss open goals (Jesus Rao & CKS)
- Aggravate opposition players so they implode and get sent off (Dovey)
- Take part in a seamless short corner routine, involving a botched injection, a mediocre stop and a slap to the far post for a hyperactive child to touch in (CKS - Goal 1 or 2, maybe 3)
- Take part in another seamless short corner routine, involving a wobble, a dribble and a sling into the corner from a sweeper, of all people (Smudger – Goal 1 or 2, maybe 3)
- Take part in another seamless short corner routine, involving another botched injection onto the stopper’s strong side and a beautifully drilled ball at ankle height, lifted into the rigging by the defence (Timbo – Goal 4. Definitely Goal 4)
- ‘Allegedly’ kick a ball into the goal (Kai) which is subsequently disallowed
- Forget the other goal. But there were definitely 4 in total (any claimants, please take the issue up with HR) – Kai?!
- Greatly appreciate the support of drunken 2s players who, after their game was cancelled, decided to spend all morning getting suitably pissed, ready to cheer and chant for the 1s

Who You Are & What Makes You Qualified
- You have a questionable obsession with team showers, with a penchant for shower beers and Imperial Leather Foam Burst™
- You love a Premium Lager Beer
- Your top quality conversational and interpersonal skills are often misconstrued by outsiders as ‘shanter’ or ‘verbal diarrhoea’
- Coincidentally, the vast majority of the team are Whitgift and Durham alumni. Please note this is not in keeping with our current diversity policy and we welcome all, including homeless northerners, native Zimbabweans and the unfortunately educated (Trinity). Or you’re just really keen and quite good. Actually the barrier to entry is pretty low….

You’ll Know You’re Successful If
- You have a better memory than the current scribe of this ‘match report’ who has a terrible habit of forgetting most parts of a game as soon as it is over (not particularly difficult)
- You have time to dedicate to writing a really good report (not particularly difficult)
- You are a better comedy writer than the current scribe (not particularly difficult)
- You help us win the league. We’re currently top on goal difference alone. P8 W6 D 1 L 1 F41 A21 Pts19, with 3rd place just 3 points behind. It’s going to be a hell of a season!