COWHC Men's 1s vs Southampton Men's 1s - 05th November 2016

On the 05th November the CROWs played host to Southampton 1stXI. Being the 412th anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot the CROWs management committee hoped this would be commemorated with explosive play which would shake the foundations of Southampton HC to the core. They were correct.
To help the squad focus on the destruction of the enemy, a morning prayers session was scheduled at the clubhouse to talk tactics and obtain a blessing by the team saviour Nicky of Nazareth.
Availability had been good and the squad looked solid (at least on paper):
At GK the CROWs had taken a gamble and brought their hall of fame keeper Jono out of retirement. It was a risk as they knew it could damage his peerless average of shipping 2.95 goals a game. It also hadn’t been easy to tempt him back, after he primarily retired to concentrate on his job as a political advisor to Robert Mugabe.
The back four selected were Ivan, Smudger, Henners* and Fury, resulting in the most Ayran defence in any team sport since the 1938 season of the Bundesliga. Although blue eyes and pale skin was a selection criterion, other qualities they brought to the party were strength in the tackle, supersonic ball distribution and really shit chat.
Midfield consisted of players with skills and stamina; together they had the look of a machine that Isambard Kingdom Brunel proud of. At the base of the diamond was Belly, a traveller of no fixed abode, scooped up off the streets for his exceptional hand eye co-ordination (after his morning special brew). With the prospect of a free match tea and a warm clubhouse to doss in after the game, the CROWS could rely on him to provide fumes for the engine room. At left and right, were Benji and Tim, both generally high, but for different reasons. Tim being known as Mr. Positive and high on life, Benji earning the reputation for being up due to his high octane positional play... At the top of the diamond was Field Marshall Feebs, one of the masterminds of the CROWs ascension to regional hockey with silky skills and notorious Red bull infused rage.
The strikers selected to destroy Southampton were a product of the Whitgiftian equal opportunities act and the Croydon community outreach program.The equality legislation ensured the selection of Dom, a muscle bound gorilla, from the local zoo (Trinity School) and the outreach program had managed to save the rapper formally known as CKS from cussin’ and dissin’ on a Croydonia corner and probably ending up dead over a drugs beef...
The bench was by no means any weaker with the prophetic powers of Nicky of Nazareth, superior coordination of Flyboy Mark and unrelenting legs of new recruit Chris.
The warm up was intense with all members of the squad putting the effort in to make sure they were fired up from the get go. In the huddle before push back Nicky of Nazareth gave an interesting sermon about the etymology of the CROWs collective noun, murder. NERD ALERT: It is called a murder because that is generally the only thing crows do when in groups...
With the umpires in place and both teams set, the game commenced. The CROWs started strongly, blistering pace and sustained pressure by the pressing forwards, Dom, CKS and Feebs meant Southampton were pinned in their own 23 and inside the first 3 minutes the CROWs manufactured a penalty corner. Although Southampton looked a little stunned by the pace of the game, the defence managed by hook or crook to bundle the ball off the pitch; preventing a number opportunities for the CROWs to convert. During the frenetic opening 10 minutes, the CROWs won a long corner and transferred the ball from right to left. Then out of nowhere Smudger popped up, collecting the ball from Tim, bursting into the circle and flicking it nonchalantly top-right past the shocked keeper who had never seen such movement from a middle-aged man! GOAL: 1-0.
The electrotherapy the CROWs applied seemed to wake up Southampton and they began to ease themselves back into the game. Although they were still struggling with the CROWs press, they started to work the ball down the channels and broke into the CROWs half. Strong tackling from Ivan and Henners* with quality distribution from Smudger ensured the dam wasn’t breached. During this section of the game there was a brief interlude as Smudge felt it necessary debate body language with the umpire.
With Southampton rallying and gaining more confidence, the CROWs had to be patient, looking for gaps in the opposition defence and the next 10 minutes was nip and tuck. Eventually their patience paid off and the midfield of Belly, Tim and Benji combined well moving the ball from one side of the pitch to the other at pace creating an overlap. The resulting break-away allowed Tim to dribble past a couple of players before shovelling it under the keeper into the cage. GOAL: 2-0.
Rocked by the CROWs shock and awe tactics, Southampton realised they were in for a tough day and tried to calm each other down by asserting there was plenty of time for a comeback. Unfortunately mistakes after the restart didn’t help them and the CROWs ratcheted up the pressure again, laying siege in the Southampton 23. It was at this point that the CROWs demolition plans suffered a slight set back. Buoyed by the confident start the team had made, I decided it was time to try and slot a miracle ball from LB through to Nicky of Nazereth on the Right. Not seeing a Southampton attacker waiting to cut off such an arrogant attempt to look good, the gift-wrapped pass to the opposition set up a break-away scramble. Despite the defences’ attempts to nullify the threat, Southampton entered the circle and managed to deflect the ball (off my foot) past Jono – just one of the reasons you are reading a match report by me! GOAL: 2-1.
Undeterred by the unforced error, the CROWs bounced back quickly and continued to pass the ball around and generate some nice build up play. Some elegant one two’s and first time passing from Nicky, Benji, Mark and Feebs frayed Southampton’s nerves making them realise it was not going to be easy to stage a comeback. More pressure from the midfield and forwards created a short corner near the end of the first half, which was slotted under the keeper by Dom with laser precision, GOAL: 3-1. HT.
During the half time huddle Feebs and Jonty provided insightful feedback on how to grind the opposition into the dust, while Dom mainlined a drip of cortico-steriods and Benji took some other forms of medicine (water and Lucozade).
The second half started at a similar pace to the first with more slick attacking play from the CROWs midfield and attack, bolstered with good distribution from the centre backs. Defensive slip ups from Southampton’s back four allowed the strikers to steal a lot of ball from the left and right backs, who looked to be caught in headlights of the CROWs juggernaut. This onslaught brought instant rewards
with Dom muscling his way through two players and then in the middle of falling over slotted a pass under his arm to CKS waiting on the post. GOAL :4-1.
Trying desperately to paper over the large fissures appearing in their defensive wall, Southampton soaked up another period of CROWs dominance; frantically breaking down play in a desperate attempt to prevent the rapid pace of Chris, Dom and CKS from ripping them apart.
No CROWs game is complete without a funny five minutes – or ten in this case... For an unknown reason – some claim it may be fitness related, the CROWs accuracy and decision making took a little dip in comparison with their usual high standards. A few poor passes and rushing the play meant the ball was repeatedly turned over. This allowed Southampton a chance to get the focus off their dilapidated back four and apply some pressure on the CROWs defence. For the first time in the match Southampton mounted a sustained attack at the CROWs end of the field and it took a concerted effort from all the defence including Jono to deny them scoring opportunities. A notable move from Southampton released a striker in the circle who was quickly shut down by an NFL blindside hit in the back from Jono (luckily the striker lifted the ball into himself first). After a brief stare-down from Jono the centre forward realised he would have been run over in the car park afterwards if he had actually scored.
Realising errors had crept into their game, the CROWs performed a reset in mentality and went back to basics. Simple passing around the back and moving the ball in and out of each channel allowed them to wrestle control of the game back from the opposition. This change in focus paid off immediately with some nice build up play through the middle via Feebs and Benji up to Dom winning a short corner. The pre-planned switch across the circle to Smudger gave him another rare scoring opportunity, which he stuck low into backboard. GOAL: 5-1.
After the fifth goal it appeared the Southampton defence had reached its elastic limit and was about to shear in two. There were countless balls sprayed all over the place as the CROWs smothered any possible balls out from the back. The relentless pressure continued for the rest of the game. With more attacking flair and decent movement the CROWS managed to pick out CKS on the post and he happily turned the ball in. GOAL: 6-1. Almost instantly after the restart the Southampton were again on the back foot. Looking destroyed and wishing the torture would end, the CROWs broke through yet again and picked out Dom on the post who calmly put the ball in at backboard height. GOAL: 7-1. The final 10 minutes of the game was even more a one sided with the CROWs barely having to defend their own half of the pitch but unable to capitalize on Southampton’s capitulation. The final whistle brought welcome relief to the opposition, until they remembered they had a 2.5 hour journey home in the dark... For the CROWs all that was left to do was hit the showers with a well earned beer and watch Tim spray his foamy burst all over the place.
Man of the Match: Nicky of Nazareth for playing like the son of god.
Dick of the Day: Yours truly for trying to thread the eye of a needle and also shovelling the ball off the pitch in an embarrassing fashion. * Henners’ performance was sponsored by Garden Sprayer. Garden Sprayer is an amazing company undergoing a period of exponential growth. If you are looking for a new opportunity and want to fill in Twitter for a bunch of overpaid talentless actors then hit him up for a job...