COWHC Men's 1s vs HAC Men's 1s - 26th November 2016

M1's up the ante with a pre post match report from the inside of a Oxford-bound evil smelling minibus scribed by Birthday Boy Johann.
Now it is common knowledge that a group of crows is known as a murder of crows; appropriately named as that is all they do. (See table and everyone dead below it). But what you may not know is that there a several crows who have a different spirit animal with in. Being from the mighty Gift (that's Whitgift for those of you not caught up with the modern day lingo) we are all familiar with our zoo and the animals that preside in it. The mighty Sir David Attenborough has visited said zoo and it is claimed that this is what inspired him to start a new animal series that grips the nation. What is lesser known is that big Dave carefully selected the animals partaking in the filming based on our very own murder of crows. These animals were recruited with promises of free food, life threatening danger and under the stars accommodation; all of which are better recruitment tactics than those used by our resident recruiter of winking, flirting and talk of showers. (Paul take notes).
Now for those of you in disbelief as to whether this even remotely true let me demonstrate.
First of all we have the iguana. The iguana is a quick and sneaky animal, it is able to wriggle in and out very tight spaces even when surround by a bunch of racer snakes. The iguana has terrible hair and is often himself to be a sneaky slithery snake, probably why he is able to poach so many goals. Enter Callum. Edit still hasn't scored as many as a certain defender who bins for fun.
We now follow up with the flamingo. The flamingo is a very proud creature with a long neck and his head is very often up searching another crow. But this long neck comes as a disadvantage as his head is on show for so long that he then feels required to speak, which in turn sends everyone's else's head back down. He is often heard quoting that he was given !for free! his appropriately coloured pink stick. Enter Tim
Now there is a creature which features that is the size of approximately a finger nail, known as the kickboxing frog-father. Now I must confess I at first was incredibly puzzled as to who this could be in the team as the small slithery Shumar had already been assigned a spirit animal. It was then I realised not for its size has the frog-father in but for its kick(box)ing ability. He is often seen kicking anything that comes nearby: ball, stick, play, umpire, coach, supporter, their goal, our goal bags, Shumar the list goes on. It is noted however that he has never kicked a beer, a phenomenon to be explored for another day. Enter Shaun
A new creature that I was slept oval about at first is the swimming sloth. Can a sloth swim? Apparently so, but he does it in a slow way with such gangly arms (hands) that you may not even realise that this ungraceful movement is by choice. Is swimming relevant to the game that is hockey? I wasn't sure until I thought about the crows leader when 'in control' of the ball. To the untrained eye and even to the trained eye it simply looks like he is just floundering with no idea where he is heading, but I am reliable informed that he is indeed swimming but just wants to saus the opposition. Enter Robert (saus-verb, to fool or trick aka when Paul opens his mouth)
Now I've been told that the snow leopards are a very protective creature one that is determined to survive. The leopards natural instincts are to attack anything that comes near an shut them down brutally. Unfortunately the snow leopards aren't as quick as their African counterparts so resort instead to just taking people out and breaking bones. The snow leopards individually unique but to everyone else all look exactly identical in their matching uniforms, exactly identical... Enter Aryan defence of Thomas, Ivan , Paul and Smudger
The dolphin is a very graceful creature smooth and always calm in the water. He is able to weave his way in and out of trouble and looks so amazing and beautiful and he's so good! WRONG. Then dolphin is the most intelligent of all the animals and carefully selects his targets, he makes himself look impressive by swimming around what is in fact completely stationary trees. Trickery I hear you cry, yes it unfortunately is the illusion has been shattered, he now must go back to school and relearn how successfully evade floating logs. Enter Ben
The most powerful animal in the jungle is the jaguar. It is characterised by its powerful muscles shown by its incredibly tight fitting xs clothing. He also has the most intriguing of facial hair features that was completely unlike that of the typical jaguar, but this jaguar gave me beer so it can stay. The jaguar has been deputising for me as the new specialist and has also unfortunately been lacking in the scoring department but has recently found the hole between a keepers legs, so he is at least learning. Enter Dominic
The dancing bear has is incredibly hairy and has the most uncouth growth covering his face. This is in fact camouflage so that he can sneak up on his prey and absolutely poach goals for fun. Why dancing? It is not uncommon to see the bear breaking into spontaneous song and dance in the middle of the pitch, these break-dancing, dancing breaks all happen to coincide with the presence of the ball in his vicinity. It is actually his attempt of evading the opposition by confusing them with his sweet sweet moves. Enter Nick
The face planting bobcat. Ok he's completely lost you're thinking. Perhaps but there is a tangent that is completely relevant. The bobcat is fearless puts his body on the line time and time again and doesn't mind a ball to the face. (Still sorry about that) but the bobcat has done very well so far with the snow leopard defence. All though it must be said there is a hole directly above his head, which I'm told is empty anyway, and if you hit the ball hard enough and at the right angle you will score. Enter Callum Please message me if you require lessons when I return cough Callum cough
And as my bus journey reaches a close I must end with the final character. I apologise if I have left anyone out but time is of the essence in terms of getting bevved. Our fearless leader is the one and only Sir David Attenborough. He is very aged and very wise, wisdom doesn't quite catch up with his age unfortunately for all of us, however his hair has. Sir D always has a running commentary on everything and is often heard over the noise of some others running around usually in circles until he directs them. He does however know how to drink according to the watch a refreshing sight in the uncivilised area that is my home of Croydon. Atters is also a very successful commentator and has not lost a game yet, long may this continue. Enter Jon
And now I must sign off and prepare for a Sunday match, unheard of in the real world. What am I you ask? I AM the honey badger. You don't know the honey badger? Educate yourselves.