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Sat 13 Oct 2018 · Division 1
Teddington Oaks
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COWHC Men’s 3s vs Teddington Oaks - 13 Oct 2018
Scott Netherway14 Oct 2018 - 16:49
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Match report from Jenks aka Boris J
Hello chaps. My name is Boris. I met up with your President, Jenks, in a bar recently and he persuaded me to come and watch a game of hockey. He does it every week and says it is "fun".
Personally, I prefer a romp in a corn field for my exercise, or even better, a bash on my bike. Mind you, I have to have a large saddle because the small ones can disappear up your crack quite easily. Not good, you have to be special, and preferably thirty years younger than me, to do that.
I'm glad also it wasn't last week because it rained all day, and reminded me of "Chequers". Chucked it.
Anyway, so I turned up at Teddington, and was immediately blinded by their shirts. There was more pink on display than in a Stormy Daniels video. That reminds me, must speak to Donald about his library.
So, the game starts. Jenks tells me that some of his players like Big Girls Blouses, which is interesting because I do too. What I think he meant was that they were a bit soft in the tackle area. Not a problem I have.
25 minutes in, and Hutch, who turns out to be Jenks' best mate, and was the last defender, decides he can wind back the clock and wobble his way out of a tackle by a Teddington forward. Needless to say he lost the ball, and had to be saved by keeper Monty, who frightened the hell out of the forward so much that he put his shot wide. Narrow shave.
Just before half-time, we start a break down our right wing (bit like the Tory party), Lewis passed to Mulley who crossed the ball to Pads, and with a brilliant reverse stick shot, he put the ball in the net. Lots of hugging and back slapping, I thought I was back in that Turkish bath I go to near Westminster. 1-0 at half-time.
Two minutes after half-time, we went 2-0 up. Down our right wing again (must sign up some of these guys, keep the left wing at bay). Pads crossed for Cocksy to score. With a name like that, I hope you have your internet safety button active, otherwise you'd never get to read this.
We then took our eye off the ball, a bit like the PM, and let in two simple goals in quick succession. Wouldn't be surprised if M. Barnier had got a couple of ringers in for the oppo. Devious these EU chappies, wouldn't trust them with my auntie. 2-2.
Now, according to Hutch, the team from a couple of seasons ago, would have folded and lost the game. But we had some Brexit bottle, and in spite of concerted pressure from Teddington, we scored again. Pads this time with a lovely move, just like my dad on Strictly. Shimmy one way, then the other. 3-2 up. Pads got Manofthematch with honourable mentions to all the guys, a real team performance. I thought I would get Dickoftheday, I usually do, but it went to Mulley.
And that was that. We hung on to be 3 out of 3, and we are top of the league. M3 – sounds like a motorway doesn't it.
A couple of beers at Teddington to gloat over our victory, then back to the Whits for a few ports. I was told that with Indy in charge, it is a bit like the Bullingdon on a Saturday night. However when we got there, everyone had gone so I buggered off to see who I could wind up in Westminster.
Thanks CROWS, well done and good luck for the season. Me, I'm off to write my Monday column for the Torygraph, who pay me shedloads to write this kind of rubbish.
Toodle pip.
Personally, I prefer a romp in a corn field for my exercise, or even better, a bash on my bike. Mind you, I have to have a large saddle because the small ones can disappear up your crack quite easily. Not good, you have to be special, and preferably thirty years younger than me, to do that.
I'm glad also it wasn't last week because it rained all day, and reminded me of "Chequers". Chucked it.
Anyway, so I turned up at Teddington, and was immediately blinded by their shirts. There was more pink on display than in a Stormy Daniels video. That reminds me, must speak to Donald about his library.
So, the game starts. Jenks tells me that some of his players like Big Girls Blouses, which is interesting because I do too. What I think he meant was that they were a bit soft in the tackle area. Not a problem I have.
25 minutes in, and Hutch, who turns out to be Jenks' best mate, and was the last defender, decides he can wind back the clock and wobble his way out of a tackle by a Teddington forward. Needless to say he lost the ball, and had to be saved by keeper Monty, who frightened the hell out of the forward so much that he put his shot wide. Narrow shave.
Just before half-time, we start a break down our right wing (bit like the Tory party), Lewis passed to Mulley who crossed the ball to Pads, and with a brilliant reverse stick shot, he put the ball in the net. Lots of hugging and back slapping, I thought I was back in that Turkish bath I go to near Westminster. 1-0 at half-time.
Two minutes after half-time, we went 2-0 up. Down our right wing again (must sign up some of these guys, keep the left wing at bay). Pads crossed for Cocksy to score. With a name like that, I hope you have your internet safety button active, otherwise you'd never get to read this.
We then took our eye off the ball, a bit like the PM, and let in two simple goals in quick succession. Wouldn't be surprised if M. Barnier had got a couple of ringers in for the oppo. Devious these EU chappies, wouldn't trust them with my auntie. 2-2.
Now, according to Hutch, the team from a couple of seasons ago, would have folded and lost the game. But we had some Brexit bottle, and in spite of concerted pressure from Teddington, we scored again. Pads this time with a lovely move, just like my dad on Strictly. Shimmy one way, then the other. 3-2 up. Pads got Manofthematch with honourable mentions to all the guys, a real team performance. I thought I would get Dickoftheday, I usually do, but it went to Mulley.
And that was that. We hung on to be 3 out of 3, and we are top of the league. M3 – sounds like a motorway doesn't it.
A couple of beers at Teddington to gloat over our victory, then back to the Whits for a few ports. I was told that with Indy in charge, it is a bit like the Bullingdon on a Saturday night. However when we got there, everyone had gone so I buggered off to see who I could wind up in Westminster.
Thanks CROWS, well done and good luck for the season. Me, I'm off to write my Monday column for the Torygraph, who pay me shedloads to write this kind of rubbish.
Toodle pip.
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