COWHC Men's 3s vs Kenley Men's 2s - 19th Jan 2019
By Christopher Maundrell
We won 3 - 0
Report by Jay
Saturday, Saturday, Saturday! My day! The day I am the man to my team mates, carrying the team to yet another promotion! Better check my social media for updates so I can tell the guys about my awesome week!. “Thursday” football (f*** hockey training, I’m too good), “Friday” bulking meal, 1, 2, 3 and 4. Networking drinking session, taxi home!
I hope Cocksy stayed low, he loves a Friday night vino or two that guy!
We’re playing Kenley, they are s*** we d***** them 10-1 last time! I’m gonna score soo many goals! The side is mental today, So many people have asked DP to play with me it’s embarrassing! I’m just glad Raj is playing, I’ll show him today how sick I am. Now that Jay’s not 2’s captain I’ll be back up there in no time! He’s not fooling anyone with his dyed beard, he’s old and should have been put out to
pasture a long time ago!
“Ping” oh oh oh that’s a Tinder Match! F*** me (s)he’s fit! I love when they have a strong Adam’s apple! I’ll score today
and tonight! Maybe (s)he’ll come to the quiz night so (s)he can see me flex my brain then I’ll see how flexible (s)he is.
Time for Hockey!! FFS DP wants us to warm up. This running lark is too cardio for me. He doesn’t get I’m bulking.
Mulley’s on the bench? I thought he’d be playing for the 4’s in the previous game? It must be charity week and he’s probably asked to watch me.
Rights time to score loads!!
Why hasn't any one passed me the ball? I’ve been waiting on the penalty spot for ages! The fans are in, they’re all chanting my name from the sidelines! Wait what? They need to give Mulley some pitch time? Ok 5 minutes and I’ll get him on.
Ffs why is no one passing me the ball? I’ve been on the penalty spot for 10 minutes!
Oh yeah better give Mulley a run out.
Let me check my social media, I reckon that girl’s been checking me out!
Elliot’s trying to talk to me, f*** knows what he’s saying, his Irish accent is so strong! Great to see the 4’s come out to watch, they all want to be as good as me!
Right, if no ones going to pass me the ball I’m going to have to do this myself.
Check this out! I’ve won the ball top D, my back’s to goal, what should I do? There’s only 7 defenders, it’s obvious! Time to bring out the trusted reverse! F**, I’ve topped it (even Messi makes mistakes!), but it’s hit a foot! I’ve won a short corner! God I’m good.
Why’s DP shouting at me to pass the ball? Easy pass? Every pass is easy in my eyes! Come on lads either step up to my level or get out the way!
DP’s back on the side line (where I’m hoping he’ll stay), still shouting! Great to have some actual legs and ability at the back! Fabian and Jedward are good but obviously not as good as me, plus no wheelchair issues! GOAT!
Right I’ve told Hutch pass it left I’ll do the rest! I am the GOAT after all! Boom JD’s scored! I guess I’ve got to give others a chance, at least I’ll get to try and claim the assist!
Right, now I think I’ll score. I’ve mind f****** the Kenley sweeper by standing on penalty spot for most of the game!
He’s just stopped marking me!?
Why is no one passing me the ball? I’m clearly open behind these defenders. No Hutch I won’t come to it, it has to come to me!
The Kenley defender is giving Jay a reach around, maybe they are friends? Wtf? Jay’s been green carded?! Haha thank f***, at least I won’t be writing a match report for the 7th week in a row! He’s old so probably needed a rest!
Time to shine now! On my own up front the teams looking at me to set the standard! I’ll stay high and keep the keeper company.
No ones passing me the ball?? Guys come on, you know where I am! Penalty spot!!
Half time! Quick snack for the bulk, better check if my date's confirmed for tonight! Result (s)he’s coming to the quiz! The lads will be so jealous! (S)he’s peng!
Right time to dance round these Kenley cones and score my Hatrick!
Oh god they want Mulley to come back on. Scott’s shouting at me to give him 5 hard minutes? He’s so gay for me but his Adam’s apple isn’t big enough!
Time for a rest, that jog to the sideline was a big one!
The balls going every where and Mulley’s running round chasing butterflies. He’s so special.
What a pick! Someone’s just smashed the ball out of the Kenley defence. Hutch has just rolled back the years and taken down a ball in mid air and at the same time shouted at Jay. God their combined age must be well over a million!
He’s crashed the ball into the D. Jay’s freaked out by the shout, he gets startled easily at his age. The balls hit his stick and wrong footed the keeper. 2-0, I’d say good goal, given the deft touch, but I didn’t score it so, it was average.
Hahahaha Jay’s been sent off again! He must have mixed up his pills and taken some steroids rather then his bladder control ones! It’s a yellow. Roche’s loving brandishing that card. Oh yellow that reminds me, must iron my pulling pants for tonight!
Down to 10 I’m gonna let Mulley run round I’ll just chill till the end go on grab my goal and the glory! Has Monty touched the ball? God he must be so happy to be in the same team as me. Like JD he’s followed me to Croydon from Addiscombe so he can keep learning from my GOAT skills.
Oh s*** Mulley’s scored now too! 3-0 I better get on and score, I am the teams leading scorer, they’d be lost without me.
Balls the umpires have blown for full time! I didn’t score or get an assist, but at least I didn’t get sent off!
Oh well back to the bar for some port and to tell Monty he’s s***.
Need to get my glad rags on! Got to pick up my date and parade her round the club!
(S)he’s well fit. Such luscious lips! This quiz is s***, there’s not section about me! Not even a question! Let’s see if I can take her home.
(S)he’s game or on the game I’m not sure what she said but who cares! I score when I want!
I did score ? and she left before mummy and daddy got up. (S)he looked a little different in the morning......